This one's for you!

(Cooked up for a friend's magazine. Raymond Ang, though you have no access to this blog, this one's for you--quite literally. It must be more PG than that thing about the anatomy of the clit. Oh god. My language. CLIT).


I have long ago been hot and bothered by the big SEX, PENIS, and VAGINA since birth; and I say this not with the mere purpose of inducing shock in readers such as yourself. These three words have been in my vocabulary since second grade when I invited a friend to sleep over and she so shamelessly asked my mother "Tita, what is sex?" To which she reluctantly answered "It's something old people do." We both smiled at her response. Then and there I realized that I had taken on a path that would lead to a curious obsession with all things related to sex.

Now before you get all tied up in a bunch about this fascination of mine, I would like to clarify that it a curiosity is a curiosity. Put simply, I find the powers of sex utterly amazing. With sex, love is made tangible and life can begin. Isn't that alone enough to make the entire idea and act a point of interest? If your answer is a resounding "no," maybe this article will change your mind.

Sex is met with different perspectives in different cultures. Most fear it while some lavishly indulge in it. In our country, the former applies. Though there have been improvements regarding the availability of sex-materials, one cannot say that, indeed, we have made the leap from conservative to ultra-liberal in the span of a few decades. No one would have imagined the existence of a sex shop in Metrowalk forty years ago. Blatant sex scenes such as those depicted in Lino Brocka's Macho Dancer and, more recently, Brillante Mendoza's Kaleldo would have been met with tightly shut eyelids until thirty years ago. No one would have accepted the Dear Xerex Xaviera column into mainstream consciousness until some twenty-something years back. Even until now, we hear of sex through eavesdropped conversations done in nothing but hushed tones. You can't talk about sex in public, that would make you a whore, a slut. Cover your ears child. You're too young to know of this! That's what my mother would have said.

My question lies in a simple and commonly used word: Why? Why do we approach something as natural as sex with hesitation? Why do we need to whisper? And why, of all things, should we be limited to the bedroom--the most private place in our worlds--to engage in such an act?

There are a select few of course, who attempt to answer these questions (which I assure you, there are more). I am one of them. It's not that I'm active--that is beyond the point--rather, it's more because of the fact that I am a highly and deeply sexual and sensual person. Thus, another question rises: Why the hell shouldn't I be?

Sex, at least in my opinion, should not be met with fear. It's in our biology and, believe it or not, we were equipt with our vaginas and penises to engage in it. At one point or another in our sweet but short lives, we will have sex; though everyone's reasons for doing so will differ greatly from everyone else's. I understand the fear that accompanies the act. There are risks to having sex and these are, in their simplest form, unavoidable. STDs abound, the risk of pregnancy exists, hearts can be broken, and pain is inevitable (both literally and figuratively speaking). But beyond these, there too exists an emotional fear. Boys are afraid of having sex for the first time because of their possible inadequacy. I've heard of interviews where high school boys raised questions such as: "Will she like it?," "How exactly do you do it?," "What if my penis is too short?," "Which hole do I put it in?" and, "How do you put a condom on?" Girls, on the other hand, have some serious questions themselves. "Can I have sex while I have my period?," "Is giving a blow job considered sex?, "To spit or to swallow?," "Should I be on top or on the bottom?," "Which hole should he put it in?" and even, "What does my vagina look like when it's having sex?"

All these questions reverberate with a fathomable tension. Sex is fear-inducing. That is understandable. But, continue on and find that the questioning is brought about by a passion--a passion that resembles curiosity to a tee. We ask about other things in life just as much as we ask about sex. And, honestly, aren't sex questions sometimes easier to answer than life questions. Wouldn't it be easier to answer "What size is a standard penis?" rather than "What is the meaning of being?" or "How many calories should I have if I want to lose ten pounds in three days?" That being said, I propose that people approach sex with the same curiosity as all other things. Maybe to a different degree for each person; we are, after all, attentive only to things that interest us. I propose that people put their fears on the backburner--acknowledge that they are there but go ahead and take steps toward answering them in their own time. The rush for finding answers is nothing like catching up on a thesis deadline. In this way, hopefully, a person's fears will dissipate to the point that man (and woman) can conquer them. Keep on asking questions. Surf the internet for Sex FAQs. Wikipedia has an entire section on it. Research on it like you would a favorite actress or a new movie. Be informed. There's nothing better than knowing what you're getting into. Pun intended.

November 16th: 30 minute day

Raw

I think that I can't sleep because I keep on thinking. I mean I do close my eyes and try, but the mess that is my life tends to overwhelm the senses. I end up awake for 2 hours more than expected. This isn't insomnia--that I'm sure of--because insomnia means absolutely no sleep. I just wish that I stop thinking. Like some sort of insomnia in the brain.

Alas, I can't. There's too much on my plate (or, rather, too little) that I just complain and complain about what else I could be missing.

I went to school for the first official day of classes yesterday (I have a wonderful Tuesday-Thursday only schedule) and was just exhausted by the end of it. I realized how full days mean less breaks and less time to breathe in between. I kept on worrying from one class to another just thinking of the consequences of possibly missing something and not having that space to work on what I missed. Did that make sense?

I'm really frustrated right now. I'm losing friends too, in the process of making this year MY year. Selfishness and my wish to advance in this world has its downsides but the year is almost over so...there.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. Maybe the whole NYU thing will work out and I'll have to worry about this when I move there. God, I hope that it's so.

WIWT

Oh love and I couldn't think of a better title. I went to school early to cram my edits into the 42 pages of my third chapter. More than made it but once we got to class (at 6 in the evening!), she moved the submission date to Friday. I basically spent 30 minutes in class and 11 and a half hours waiting to get to it.

HAHA.

Last first days

Tomorrow will be the first day of the second semester and I've got some prepping to do. And although my only class is at 6 in the evening, I've still got to cram a lot of shit within the limited number of hours from now until then. Time must be budgeted and I'm here to list everything down. The pages of my planner/filofax are nearing their end so I must find a new one asap.

1. Finish editing the third chapter of my thesis. In short, edit 3 plays. Extend them and make their plots, conflicts, and descriptions better. Make the plays stageable.

2. Find out what to wear. I've always had this credo, something about your state of mind depending on how good you feel and look in what you're wearing. My mom and dad bought me a new pair of Keds (bright pink they are with melon colored and slim white laces) that I am sure to bask in the glory of tomorrow. Now I only have to determine what my top and bottoms will be.

3. Find a new filofax option. I'm thinking of going Moleskin (or whatever ripoff out there) but I might get to sentimental about the paper and not write on it.

4. Update my ipod. I just got the Lady Gaga album, Pete Yorn and Scarjo, Lily Allen, and Hard Fi. Yes, they are all old albums but I've always been lazy. Never too late to widen the scope of your musical choices after all.

5. Get back into the pilates habit. And yoga too. I've slacked off these past 2 days since I've been on thesis overdrive.

6. Meet with friends! Hardly went out during the break so tomorrow will make-up for the lack of socializing.

7. Go to Church later today. :) We didn't go through with it yesterday so, yes.

Wish me luck and love.

Ugh is a sound made by noses

Guess who's calling in ALLERGIC today? Got to finish my third play, make the introduction, and do some heavy editing. Oh, and go to Church. :) I hope my nose stops running.

And my only full-length mirror broke today. Whoot. It's an event that totally screws up all my vain attempts at achieving perfect vanity. I think I need to sleep. I can't stop sneezing.

Finally!

LOVE. I only bought those shoes a few hours ago. No. I did not wear them through the day. They're just too pretty to leave out (not that I love my Charles and Keith maryjanes any less). Went to school to fix my classes and pay my dues for the last semester. Then mom and I picked up my dad and we proceeded to the mall. I almost lost my phone and yet they still found it in their wonderful hearts to buy my a pair of Keds on sale for 995 pesos. It was on sale, the last pair, and of the last size. Perfection!

Oh, and my Photoshop crashes sometimes and I lost all the layers of this. Good thing I got to upload the jpegs in Tumblr before my system stopped recognizing file types. Yay! Now to bathe.